


when it all breaks you (learn to breathe again)

by biochemprincess



Series: keeper of the keys [1]
Category: 12 Monkeys (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 14:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7442524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biochemprincess/pseuds/biochemprincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She likes rules. And nature has a lot of them. Had a lot of them. Now, for her, the rules of nature have long ago stopped to work. (Cassie finds out she is pregnant after her return to 2016. Vague post S2 - timeline.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	when it all breaks you (learn to breathe again)

**Author's Note:**

> notes: sarah and cindy talked about baby fic. well, they didn't say it had to be happy. written for the prompt: half of your OTP dying and the baby is the only piece of them the other half has left. 
> 
> title from the lyrics of 'learning to breathe again' by stanfour. (great song, listen to it)

 

* * *

 

Cassie likes rules. And nature has a lot of them. She is a woman of science, she trusts in the natural laws of the universe. Well, trusted, until that fateful night in 2013 when Cole had turned up in her car and showed her that she is wrong.

The laws of the universe aren't set in stone, they could be changed. Mother Nature just doesn't like it when you rearrange her furniture. And time travelling isn't like rearranging the furniture, it's more tearing down the whole house and building a new one upon it's ashes, basically.

Now, for her, the rules of nature have long ago stopped to work.

 

\---

 

They save the future.

They stop the plague.

And Cole ceases to exist.

Everything goes according to the plan.

Cassie hates the plan.

But what is one life compared to billions?

 

\---

 

Cassie wakes up, gets into the shower and gets dressed. She makes coffee and leaves for work in a small hospital not far from her new flat in New York.

This is her life now.

She had woken up in a bed in the Emerson Hotel with the same clothes as in 2044 and every single memory stored in her head. She'd have thought she'd forget everything, but time isn't this kind to her.

So she lives with the memories every waking second, knowing that she saved the future of billions of people. Knowing she made it.

Yet Cassie has never felt as numb before.

 

\---

 

_it's the losing that haunts us_

Cole is gone and she is the one left behind.

Deep down she had known it would be like this, if she let him in. But the heart wants what it wants and her heart had wanted Cole.

Cassie still remembers his skin on hers, sweat dripping down their spines, alternating between wild and soft kisses. The depth of night only filled with their breaths and moans, when it was only them, quietly whispering _i love you_ , only for them.

She had loved to watch him sleep afterwards, the only time he ever really let down his guard. And in the morning she woke up to find him watching her, his fingers tickling her ribs.

If there is a heaven, she had found it in those fleeting moments between them.

_it's the losing that haunts us; the ghosts of those who left_

 

\---

 

It takes her exactly two missed periods to admit her situation to herself. She had never been punctual, too much stress and missed dinners during college and med school, but Cassie can only lie to herself for so long. Absent morning sickness doesn't count as evidence for contrary.

She steals one of the more sensitive pregnancy test from the clinic, already expecting the two lines to appear.

And they do.

And while the reality of it sinks into her mind, she starts laughing hysterically. Because this is time's last joke, time mocking her, fucking with her. Because if Cole is gone, the Cole she had come to know, so should the baby.

The tiny baby inside her shouldn't exist and yet it does.

Cassie had always liked children. She had even thought about them back then before everything, when she had still been with Aaron and her world had been less complicated.

It shouldn't be like this, _but it is._

She throws the test into the trash and starts thinking about her new situation.

 

\---

 

Sam and Hannah appear in her dreams that night. Everything is fuzzy and she doesn't remember a single thing in the morning, but their faces accompany her the whole day.

Cassie cannot forget them, can't forgot what Jones and Ramse have put themselves through respectively, driven by their love for their children. Both of them had literally dismantled the fabric of the world for them, in different ways.

She thinks about Jones, who was - no, _is_ \- a single mother too, and wishes she would have her strength. She wishes she could talk to her.

And though Cassie wasn't alone any second of any day now, she had never felt as lonely before.

 

\----

 

It's hot and humid in the waiting room filled with women in various states of their pregnancy. The AC only helps so much.

Cassie reads the pamphlets for the expecting mothers, strewn all over the coffee tables, out of boredom, but they tell her nothing new. She is a doctor, she knows the details. It's nothing new to her.

But then in the exam room the OB puts the cold ultrasound gel onto her abdomen and everything just singles down to the little, black and white blob on the monitor, the one with the tiny rapid heartbeat.

And for the first time since her arrival in 2016, Cassie allows herself to cry. The tears fall without any indication to ever stop again. The dam inside her breaks and finally she mourns the life she lost in the future.

Just for one moment she silently begs to be more like Ramse, that one life could equal billions, because it's the life of somebody she loves. But the thought passes and the tears ebb away.

It doesn't bring him back.

 

\---

 

"Congratulations."

Cassie turns startled, gripping the fork in her hands like a weapon until her knuckles turn white. She cannot shake her reflexes just as she cannot stop breathing. But it's only Heather, one of the nurses.

"What?"

"I know you haven't made it official yet, but--- " Heather makes a vague gesture towards Cassie's abdominal region.

There's a twisted kind of solitude in hiding her pregnancy, keeping it only to herself. Not sharing it means she doesn't have to answer questions. But the baggy blouses and the white coat only conceal so much.

"Thank you."

"You and your husband must be thrilled," Heather adds.

There is a sharp pain in her heart and she secretly wishes she had stabbed the fork in Heather's leg when she had had the chance. "Yes," Cassie says and leaves her behind in the tea kitchen.

 

\---

 

The baby kicks for the first time just as Cassie is cooking herself chicken curry with rice and vegetables. First there is a feeling of shock at the unknown touch from inside her, soft as a butterfly beating its wings.

Second there is a warmth flooding her body, a kind of love she has never experienced before. It is unlike everything else. She puts a hand on her belly and tries to savour the moment.

Third and last she takes all the plates from the cabinets and smashes them against the wall. Rage takes over everything, hot red and blinding white. 

How dare he leave her behind? How dare he fall in love with her, knowing they would end like this? How dare he make her love him, despite all the odds betting against them? How dare he never meet his child?

Cassie breaks all her dishware and watches the shards on the floor.

She leaves them there for days, a reminder, a memento.

 

\---

 

In the end curiosity and loneliness get the better of her and she drives to Jones' house in Philadelphia. Cassie hesitates in front of the door, thinking about the consequences of this meeting, but rings the bell anyway.

The future had been changed already, she might not even remember her. But it is worth a try.

The door opens and reveals Jones, with the small Hannah on her arms. She looks a little tired, probably courtesy of the little girl.

"Dr. Railly? What are you doing here?" Her tone is only a bit taunting, but her eyes are shining with hope. Then Katarina's gaze falls on the swollen belly under her winter coat and she frowns.

Tears form in Cassie's eyes and she almost starts crying in front of her. "We saved the world."

 

\---

 

"And how exactly did it work, if you will never send the message that will start everything?" Jones puts the cup of tea on the table in front of Cassie.

"The timeline changed. It's like driving in a car and on an intersection you take a different road. Only the events of the first road bring you on the second," Cassie answers. "That's how Jones --- how _you_ explained it."

Cassie slowly rocks Hannah back and forth. The little girl is asleep and completely oblivious as to what she had caused in a different world. She had saved humanity just as much as them.

Jones remains silent for minutes until she starts speaking again, softer now. "I take it Mr. Cole has been erased."

Cassie nods slowly. She avoids Jones's pitying look and focuses on the baby in her arms instead.

"I am sorry."

Cassie looks up in confusion.

"I am neither stupid nor am I blind," Katarina continues. " _Eure Liebe zueinander war ziemlich offensichtlich_."

While Cassie is unaware of the German language, she can guess her words. "I know you're not. And I know you're sorry. So am I."

 

\---

 

_Where are you right now--- somewhere warm, safe--- next to someone you love?_

_Now, what if all that was gone and the only thing you could do is survive? You would, right?_

_You'd try._

 

\---

 

From then on she works shifts in the hospitals during the week and spends her weekends with Jones and Hannah. It's a beneficial agreement for both of them. Jones gets another set of helping hands and Cassie can get a first impression of motherhood with Hannah. The knot of loneliness loosens during those hours she doesn't have to spend in her empty flat. 

"You can have all the clothes she grew out of," Jones says one Saturday.

"Thank you."

"Boy or girl?"

Cassie smiles. "Healthy."

And she means it. She doesn't know what the serum and the splintering might have caused, if it has been detrimental in any way. All the checks and exams always come back with physiological results, everything seems fine, but she remains on guard.

This is the last time can take from her until she is broken beyond repair.

"And besides, it's a baby. It doesn't care about the colour of its onesie."

 

\---

 

Her due date approaches with big strides and the closer it comes, the more fear takes over. It's natural and hormonal, but Cassie can't help herself. She misses Cole just as much as she missed him upon her return.

His voice and his soft touches, the way he had kissed her neck. His eyes, locked at her eyes.

Cassie wants him back, wants him with her and she can't choose between anger and hurt. Because both emotions are linked inside her, like a pair of atoms, and she is unable to stop them both.

 

\---

 

Her baby - their baby - is born on a Monday night in February 2017, the year of the Roaster. Fittingly, the unlucky colour of people born in those years is the colour red. She knows, she looked it up and had a good laugh about it.

Cassie is in labour for hours, but when they finally place the crying girl onto her chest all the pain is forgotten in an instant. She has few light blonde hairs and ten tiny fingers and as well as ten tiny toes and they declare her healthy.

The midwife wrap her in a blanket and leaves them to get to know each other.

"Hey," Cassie whisper quietly. "I'm your mum."

The crying quiets down slightly, until it sounds more like complaining. Her child looks at Cassie out of big eyes, pupils all dark and blown up.

"I'm sorry for how things are. But I love you and I'll protect you. I promise."

 

\---

 

Cassie gets a few precious hours of sleep until the morning, but she doesn't mind in the least. Most of the time she passes with watching her daughter sleep. It sleeps surreal to call another person her daughter, but here she is.

She also fills out the birth certificate.

She names her Aurora, after the goddess of the dawn, for she was given another sunrise. And she likes the melodic sound of it. She leaves the field with the father's identity blank, not wanting to draw any unwanted attention towards them.

It feels like a betrayal to hide Cole's involvement in her conception, but the Cole she had known doesn't exist here. It will only cause problems, so she lets it be.

And it hurts even more with his facial features mirrored in Aurora's. Cassie knows she is biased, because mothers tend to see the father's face in their children, but it doesn't make it any easier for her.

It's still Cole's eyes that look at her from the crib.

They might change over the course of her first year, but Cassie already knows they won't.

 

\---

 

Cassie hadn't expected life with a newborn to be easy and some days it's definitely not, but most of the time they handle it well together. Aurora is an angel of a child, sleeping a lot and crying little.

Though she is stubborn and meticulous when it comes to her eating times. She makes one hell of a fuss then.

Jones does a lot of the visiting these days, helping her as best as she can, always with Hannah of course. And their friendship in this timeline is nice and comes so natural and Cassie wouldn't want to miss it.

But when Aurora smiles at her for the first time and when she sings her to sleep at night, Cassie once again wishes Cole could see them. She wants to show them the perfect gift that is their daughter and share all of her achievements with him.

But Aurora remains the only reminder of him in her life.

 

\---

 

 

Sometimes Cassie watches the news and holds her breath.

In May there is an outbreak of MERS in Los Angeles and for just a moment she thinks they have it wrong and it's the Kalavirus starting the plague. It is not and the CDC does a remarkable job in preventing a spreading and in offering treatment, not one patient dies.

Still she watches the various platform like a hawk, gets information on a weekly basis. But the coast stays clear.

Their lives go on and nothing bad happens.

 

\---

  

_"Once upon a time, there was a man and he could travel through time. He was reckless a lot of times so he got shot very often. But lucky for him he knew a doctor who would always heal him, make him better. The time traveller lived in a bad world where terrible things happened and he wanted to change it. And the doctor agreed to help, because she wanted to save the world with him._

_And then they fell in love with each other."_

 

\---

 

Around the time Aurora is having her first tooth, the pain and the anger inside Cassie have calmed down. Like the sea there are still stormy days, waves crashing over her and burying her underneath, but usually it's quiet.

Missing Cole is a fixed constant nowadays, a constellation in her own map of the stars. But it a soft pain under her ribs. It doesn't take her breath away anymore, doesn't leave her blood boiling with rage at the unfairness of it all.

Missing Cole still hurts, but when Cassie looks into her daughter's eyes she doesn't feel haunted. There is nothing but gratefulness for the gift she has been given, for the blue - gray eyes looking at her every day. 

Maybe time isn't so cruel after all.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think about it! i love comments. you can also find me @ mightyjemma.tumblr.com


End file.
